AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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THAT IS FUCKING ALL.

New year new me same BS

I always start a blog and like 10 mins later I don't care about it anymore. BUT THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT, says me every single year and it never fuckin is. Because I'm lazy. So lazy. So so lazy it's painful. But this year is going to be different. My mom is selling my childhood home, I quit smoking and sugar, I'm having gastric bypass surgery hopefully next month and my boss is hopefully retiring in the spring. So maybe this year will be different. I know some aspects will definitely be different but the rest remain to be seen.

Will I chicken out on the surgery? Will my boss decide not to leave last minute? The answer to the first one is no. As scared as I am to have my first (and hopefully only) surgery, I've come this far. As for Melinda actually leaving.. Who the eff knows. But I will be a bloggin... Maybe.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORDDDD!!!!!

I read one of my favorite blogs this morning  (Jenna Marbles) and was inspired to blog. Then I saw this video:

And I was inspired to get a bunny. Like right the fuck now. Why do I have to be so outrageously allergic to this fluffy piece of parapalegicness? ITS SO FUCKING CUTE I CANNOT EVEN HANDLE IT. I like animals that are messed up looking. One eyed cat = adorable. I recently adopted a dog. She's fucking amazing and majestical. But her left front paw is all sorts of jacked up. She's a Chiweenie, which is a dachshund/chihuahua hybrid. And she's hilarious looking. I will post a picture.................. NOW:

See how messed up her leg is? I love it. She's so stunningly superb I can't handle it most days. Okay I'm a fucking weirdo animal person. Sue me. They're fucking cute. So stop being a doucher and love on my dog, ok? And possibly the new one eyed bunny I bring home with a small eyepatch and striped pirate shirt because that shit = ADORABLE.

Carry on.

Apps

There are some pretty cool apps out there. Today I downloaded the brostache from the Geico commercial - hilarious. But I also downloaded the blogger app. Now I have no reason to not blog. Bloggin on the go, people!

This is what I say to that:

Wish you were here

Today's my dad's birthday. It's been 6 years since I last celebrated with him. I miss him every day. His birthday is tattooed on my arm. And yet.. I forgot. Words can't explain the feelings you feel when you lose someone.. certain days.... holidays.. birthdays.. then one day you forget one of the most special ones. I want my bed.

Unreality.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a unicorn. Not that I'm so majestic or anything but I feel as though I'm the only one who acts and has the personality that I do. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone (although I am better than probably 75% of humans out there). I say this because I feel I react to things differently than most people. I expect nothing of anyone and I am grateful when good things come my way.

That being said..... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?! That douche that I was seeing is really getting on my goddamn nerves now. He had some financial bullshit happen over the past week and expects me to treat him as though he's one of the Special Golden Five. (For those that don't know, the Special Golden Five are my five best friends. They're all completely 100% awesome and I am thankful every day that I'm in my 30s and I still have these awesome people in my life. End gay side note.) Now. It's been 3 goddamn weeks. And he's annoying as fucking shit. Literally. What 36 year old man taps on a phone saying the other persons name over and over and over and over again until that persons hair falls out from sheer annoyance?????!!??!!?!?!?!??! NO ONE DOES THAT. MY SIX YEAR OLD NEPHEW DOESN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't come at me telling me I'M BORING and expect me to drop everything and baby you through a situation you got yourself into in the first place. Fuck off creeper.

You will never make my Special Golden Five be a Special Golden Six if you cannot behave as an adult. Don't get me wrong. I'm silly and ridiculous most times. But when I meet someone new, whether they're a friend or wanna get into my romantic pants, I am on my best behavior. He's done so many unsavory things in the last 3 weeks that I don't even understand how someone hasn't ended him yet. Maybe that someone will be me. Maybe he is my nemesis and I must stop him. Metropolis will not be the same until he's gone. And by Metropolis, I mean my life. Cause that's all that matters really. God, why is it so hard for me to be a dick? Someone help. Call him on my behalf. I need a damn spine.

Didn't die.................. YET!!

Hello BloggittyAzzBloggaz!!
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you. Did you lose some weight? You look great! Just kidding, I just want to get back into your good graces. And by graces, I mean pants.

So I know you're wondering... OHHH WHATS BEEN GOING ON WITH YOUUUU I NEED TO KNOW TELL ME BABY GIRLLLLL CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Well.. First of all, calm down, Marc Anthony. Jennifer Lopez hates you.

I went on a week long vacation. Finally, after 45639 years, I was able to take a nice RELAXING vacation where I left my home for an entire week and did not return for 7 full days. It was glorious! It was actually probably one of the best vacations of my life.

Now onto the juicy. I met a dude. True story. He even came up to me, I didn't have to pay him to know me. It was so strange. But he's fucking weird. Now let me ask you this... I have a perfectly good cooca so why am I always the guy in a relationship? This little bitch couldn't handle that I smoke. So I pretty much told him to go eff off and then decided that I want to get laid so maybe I'll "quit". That didn't seem to phase him. And I must say... with the prospect of dating off the table... I kinda want nothing to do with him. Is that bad? Once the idea of doozin it went away... I'm kinda just like "nah." Am I a bad person? I kinda feel like I have more friends than anyone could ever ask for, especially at this age. I don't need or want another one. Part of me feels bad cause he has no friends, but that's not my fault. I'm going to conversate all over his face this weekend because I ain't gonna be friends with zero benefits. What a waste of time. If I wanted someone to take day trips with, I can call 5 people off the top of my head to go do that with me. Basically what I'm saying is.... I don't want a boyfriend without the boy parts. I'm a terrible person.