Apps

There are some pretty cool apps out there. Today I downloaded the brostache from the Geico commercial - hilarious. But I also downloaded the blogger app. Now I have no reason to not blog. Bloggin on the go, people!

This is what I say to that:

Wish you were here

Today's my dad's birthday. It's been 6 years since I last celebrated with him. I miss him every day. His birthday is tattooed on my arm. And yet.. I forgot. Words can't explain the feelings you feel when you lose someone.. certain days.... holidays.. birthdays.. then one day you forget one of the most special ones. I want my bed.

Unreality.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a unicorn. Not that I'm so majestic or anything but I feel as though I'm the only one who acts and has the personality that I do. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone (although I am better than probably 75% of humans out there). I say this because I feel I react to things differently than most people. I expect nothing of anyone and I am grateful when good things come my way.

That being said..... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?! That douche that I was seeing is really getting on my goddamn nerves now. He had some financial bullshit happen over the past week and expects me to treat him as though he's one of the Special Golden Five. (For those that don't know, the Special Golden Five are my five best friends. They're all completely 100% awesome and I am thankful every day that I'm in my 30s and I still have these awesome people in my life. End gay side note.) Now. It's been 3 goddamn weeks. And he's annoying as fucking shit. Literally. What 36 year old man taps on a phone saying the other persons name over and over and over and over again until that persons hair falls out from sheer annoyance?????!!??!!?!?!?!??! NO ONE DOES THAT. MY SIX YEAR OLD NEPHEW DOESN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't come at me telling me I'M BORING and expect me to drop everything and baby you through a situation you got yourself into in the first place. Fuck off creeper.

You will never make my Special Golden Five be a Special Golden Six if you cannot behave as an adult. Don't get me wrong. I'm silly and ridiculous most times. But when I meet someone new, whether they're a friend or wanna get into my romantic pants, I am on my best behavior. He's done so many unsavory things in the last 3 weeks that I don't even understand how someone hasn't ended him yet. Maybe that someone will be me. Maybe he is my nemesis and I must stop him. Metropolis will not be the same until he's gone. And by Metropolis, I mean my life. Cause that's all that matters really. God, why is it so hard for me to be a dick? Someone help. Call him on my behalf. I need a damn spine.

Didn't die.................. YET!!

Hello BloggittyAzzBloggaz!!
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you. Did you lose some weight? You look great! Just kidding, I just want to get back into your good graces. And by graces, I mean pants.

So I know you're wondering... OHHH WHATS BEEN GOING ON WITH YOUUUU I NEED TO KNOW TELL ME BABY GIRLLLLL CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Well.. First of all, calm down, Marc Anthony. Jennifer Lopez hates you.

I went on a week long vacation. Finally, after 45639 years, I was able to take a nice RELAXING vacation where I left my home for an entire week and did not return for 7 full days. It was glorious! It was actually probably one of the best vacations of my life.

Now onto the juicy. I met a dude. True story. He even came up to me, I didn't have to pay him to know me. It was so strange. But he's fucking weird. Now let me ask you this... I have a perfectly good cooca so why am I always the guy in a relationship? This little bitch couldn't handle that I smoke. So I pretty much told him to go eff off and then decided that I want to get laid so maybe I'll "quit". That didn't seem to phase him. And I must say... with the prospect of dating off the table... I kinda want nothing to do with him. Is that bad? Once the idea of doozin it went away... I'm kinda just like "nah." Am I a bad person? I kinda feel like I have more friends than anyone could ever ask for, especially at this age. I don't need or want another one. Part of me feels bad cause he has no friends, but that's not my fault. I'm going to conversate all over his face this weekend because I ain't gonna be friends with zero benefits. What a waste of time. If I wanted someone to take day trips with, I can call 5 people off the top of my head to go do that with me. Basically what I'm saying is.... I don't want a boyfriend without the boy parts. I'm a terrible person.

Crazyland

I check my pulse like 30 times a day. While I'm eating. While I'm sitting at my desk. While I'm driving. While I write my blog. I have this obsession over my heart health. Probably because I don't take care of myself like I should. My father died of a heart related issue and my mother had a heart attack last year so ever since the thoughts of dying of a heart attack have almost taken over my life. Any type of weird feeling or slight pain, I automatically assume I'm going to die right there of a heart attack. Sometimes I get a little dizzy from sinus pressure... heart attack. It's getting to the point that even when I'm out with friends I secretly check it. There's not really any point in the day where I'm not either actively thinking about it or it's in the back of my mind.

WTF CAN I DO TO MAKE THIS STOP??????????????????????????????

Sorry. I needed to vent.

Secrets

"I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink."
-Pam, True Blood

God this is truer than true. I really wonder if I wear an invisible sign that I can't see, but others can. Too many times have I been out somewhere and a stranger just struck up a conversation with me. What do I have to do to make it known that I don't care? And for some reason, those strangers always want to tell me what's on their mind. Why do I care that this stranger sitting in the booth next to me at Applebees has money problems? Hey, why don't you stop going to Applebees then and save your money, chubbs? If I'm out and alone.. Forget about it. If I'm at a bar or a club waiting for friends and having a drink.. no doubt someone (always the creepy ones) want to tell me their deepest darkest secrets. I think I need to start going out with "DO NOT TALK TO ME" written in Urban Decay's Gash Lipstick. (Which is a personal fav, BTW) Maybe that will get it in their heads that I. DO. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK.

I understand that I work for the judicial system.. So people telling me their problems at work is pretty standard. However, this has been going on my entire life. Maybe the next time a stranger approaches me, I will let out a slow growl. Maybe that will work?

I fuckin hate people.

Letters to whoever the fuck I feel like writing them to.

Dear Dudes Who Wear Chick Pants,
Stop. I don't want to see the outline of your manpickle through your jeans. I don't want to know that you have an abnormally large sack simply because you went into bebe and bought pants. I hate you and I will not date any of you hipster emo JO's ever.

Dear Governor Chris Christie,
You're fat. I hate you.

Dear Bad Music,
Please stop being made. You make my ears bleed.

Dear Vacation,
Do you think you can hurry up your shit and get here already? I am dying. I need a full week of you before I go apeshit and climb the water tower. LOL!

Dear Air Conditioning,
I love you. Since the first day we met, I knew we would be together forever. Don't go changin' on me. KIT this winter. I think you're super cute. We should hang out sometime.. Like tonight. When I get home. I will turn you on like you've never been turned on before. I will be so hot, I'll need you to cool me down. We'll make beautiful ice cubes together. I love you.


I think that's all for now. The letter to my Air Conditioner got me a little hot & bothered. I'm sleepy. I hate my job. It makes me sleepy. More later..