All the single ladies..

I'm bitter. I've just hit my 30s and sometimes, I get angry. On one hand, I want to be married or at least seriously seeing someone. I get jealous at times of my friends who are married, are on their way to marriage or are in good long relationships: I get a little angry. And perhaps a bit bitter. Mind you, I don't really have any urge to get married. And I CERTAINLY under no circumstances want children. Only a handful of my friends are married with kids or in relationships. So I guess it's comforting knowing I'm not alone. However... Just because I was born with and still carry a vagina on a daily basis, does NOT mean I want to go to your showers.

I absolutely cannot stand the idea of a bridal and baby shower. As a single lady on a single lady budget.. We really do get the shitty end of the stick in this regard. Now. I'm invited and I love you so I have to go. I have to get you a gift that you so lovingly already picked out for me and put on this neat little registry. Then I get to sit there with your Great Grandma and Great Aunt soandso and shoot the shit and waste a perfectly good Saturday or Sunday afternoon that I usually reserve for napping or doing whatever the fuck I want because I'm single and got it like that. Then to add insult to injury.. giving you ONE gift isn't enough. Ohhh Noooo. Then you want money at your actual wedding that I've probably already spent $200 on with Bridal Shower Gift and then my new dress and shoes. Now I begin to hate you. Because on top of all of that, I have to hand over an envelope of my hard earned money because YOU decided to have this giant ass party to celebrate all of your lovings THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN AFFORD!! Why do I need to help you pay for something that was all your idea and I didn't agree to? Good god.

As if that wasn't bad enough, you then decide you're going to have a baby. Well here comes another gift giving party. I don't like kids. At all. Now you've subjected me to one "party" (which it isn't really even a party. It's like tea and fuckin crumpets. Where's the OPEN BAR? Maybe this single bitch likes a nice social afternoon drunk. So inconsiderate!) where I have to have tea and eat salads and pretend like this is the most fun I've had all month. Which it isn't, cause I have more fun scraping the dead callused skin off the bottom of my feet BECAUSE THAT DON'T COST A DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME. So aside from that, I need to come and give you ANOTHER gift because you done got yourself knocked up and I should be happy that you're bringing another human into this already way too close for comfort clusterfuck of a world?

This shit adds up. Especially when you have lots of friends around the same age as you. They all want to get married and knocked up and you know what that means for me? Money out my damn pockets. Over and over and over again. And if I never have kids or get married then I am never reimbursed! It really isn't fair. What do guys have to do? Wear the same damn suit that they've warn to like 30 other weddings. Go to a titty bar the night before and drop some cash on the groom. I don't hear dudes complaining about all of this and what they had to go buy for Jim for his big day and blah blah blah.

Sometimes carrying around this vagina is more complicated and expensive than it should be. I know some other girls out there are feeling the same. Birthdays, weddings, showers, anniversaries, father's day, mother's day.... Life is too expensive. I guess my only other option is to defriend everyone and go live in the woods somewhere. I'd look hot with a beard.