Wish you were here

Today's my dad's birthday. It's been 6 years since I last celebrated with him. I miss him every day. His birthday is tattooed on my arm. And yet.. I forgot. Words can't explain the feelings you feel when you lose someone.. certain days.... holidays.. birthdays.. then one day you forget one of the most special ones. I want my bed.

Unreality.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a unicorn. Not that I'm so majestic or anything but I feel as though I'm the only one who acts and has the personality that I do. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone (although I am better than probably 75% of humans out there). I say this because I feel I react to things differently than most people. I expect nothing of anyone and I am grateful when good things come my way.

That being said..... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?! That douche that I was seeing is really getting on my goddamn nerves now. He had some financial bullshit happen over the past week and expects me to treat him as though he's one of the Special Golden Five. (For those that don't know, the Special Golden Five are my five best friends. They're all completely 100% awesome and I am thankful every day that I'm in my 30s and I still have these awesome people in my life. End gay side note.) Now. It's been 3 goddamn weeks. And he's annoying as fucking shit. Literally. What 36 year old man taps on a phone saying the other persons name over and over and over and over again until that persons hair falls out from sheer annoyance?????!!??!!?!?!?!??! NO ONE DOES THAT. MY SIX YEAR OLD NEPHEW DOESN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't come at me telling me I'M BORING and expect me to drop everything and baby you through a situation you got yourself into in the first place. Fuck off creeper.

You will never make my Special Golden Five be a Special Golden Six if you cannot behave as an adult. Don't get me wrong. I'm silly and ridiculous most times. But when I meet someone new, whether they're a friend or wanna get into my romantic pants, I am on my best behavior. He's done so many unsavory things in the last 3 weeks that I don't even understand how someone hasn't ended him yet. Maybe that someone will be me. Maybe he is my nemesis and I must stop him. Metropolis will not be the same until he's gone. And by Metropolis, I mean my life. Cause that's all that matters really. God, why is it so hard for me to be a dick? Someone help. Call him on my behalf. I need a damn spine.

Didn't die.................. YET!!

Hello BloggittyAzzBloggaz!!
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you. Did you lose some weight? You look great! Just kidding, I just want to get back into your good graces. And by graces, I mean pants.

So I know you're wondering... OHHH WHATS BEEN GOING ON WITH YOUUUU I NEED TO KNOW TELL ME BABY GIRLLLLL CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Well.. First of all, calm down, Marc Anthony. Jennifer Lopez hates you.

I went on a week long vacation. Finally, after 45639 years, I was able to take a nice RELAXING vacation where I left my home for an entire week and did not return for 7 full days. It was glorious! It was actually probably one of the best vacations of my life.

Now onto the juicy. I met a dude. True story. He even came up to me, I didn't have to pay him to know me. It was so strange. But he's fucking weird. Now let me ask you this... I have a perfectly good cooca so why am I always the guy in a relationship? This little bitch couldn't handle that I smoke. So I pretty much told him to go eff off and then decided that I want to get laid so maybe I'll "quit". That didn't seem to phase him. And I must say... with the prospect of dating off the table... I kinda want nothing to do with him. Is that bad? Once the idea of doozin it went away... I'm kinda just like "nah." Am I a bad person? I kinda feel like I have more friends than anyone could ever ask for, especially at this age. I don't need or want another one. Part of me feels bad cause he has no friends, but that's not my fault. I'm going to conversate all over his face this weekend because I ain't gonna be friends with zero benefits. What a waste of time. If I wanted someone to take day trips with, I can call 5 people off the top of my head to go do that with me. Basically what I'm saying is.... I don't want a boyfriend without the boy parts. I'm a terrible person.

Crazyland

I check my pulse like 30 times a day. While I'm eating. While I'm sitting at my desk. While I'm driving. While I write my blog. I have this obsession over my heart health. Probably because I don't take care of myself like I should. My father died of a heart related issue and my mother had a heart attack last year so ever since the thoughts of dying of a heart attack have almost taken over my life. Any type of weird feeling or slight pain, I automatically assume I'm going to die right there of a heart attack. Sometimes I get a little dizzy from sinus pressure... heart attack. It's getting to the point that even when I'm out with friends I secretly check it. There's not really any point in the day where I'm not either actively thinking about it or it's in the back of my mind.

WTF CAN I DO TO MAKE THIS STOP??????????????????????????????

Sorry. I needed to vent.

Secrets

"I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink."
-Pam, True Blood

God this is truer than true. I really wonder if I wear an invisible sign that I can't see, but others can. Too many times have I been out somewhere and a stranger just struck up a conversation with me. What do I have to do to make it known that I don't care? And for some reason, those strangers always want to tell me what's on their mind. Why do I care that this stranger sitting in the booth next to me at Applebees has money problems? Hey, why don't you stop going to Applebees then and save your money, chubbs? If I'm out and alone.. Forget about it. If I'm at a bar or a club waiting for friends and having a drink.. no doubt someone (always the creepy ones) want to tell me their deepest darkest secrets. I think I need to start going out with "DO NOT TALK TO ME" written in Urban Decay's Gash Lipstick. (Which is a personal fav, BTW) Maybe that will get it in their heads that I. DO. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK.

I understand that I work for the judicial system.. So people telling me their problems at work is pretty standard. However, this has been going on my entire life. Maybe the next time a stranger approaches me, I will let out a slow growl. Maybe that will work?

I fuckin hate people.

Letters to whoever the fuck I feel like writing them to.

Dear Dudes Who Wear Chick Pants,
Stop. I don't want to see the outline of your manpickle through your jeans. I don't want to know that you have an abnormally large sack simply because you went into bebe and bought pants. I hate you and I will not date any of you hipster emo JO's ever.

Dear Governor Chris Christie,
You're fat. I hate you.

Dear Bad Music,
Please stop being made. You make my ears bleed.

Dear Vacation,
Do you think you can hurry up your shit and get here already? I am dying. I need a full week of you before I go apeshit and climb the water tower. LOL!

Dear Air Conditioning,
I love you. Since the first day we met, I knew we would be together forever. Don't go changin' on me. KIT this winter. I think you're super cute. We should hang out sometime.. Like tonight. When I get home. I will turn you on like you've never been turned on before. I will be so hot, I'll need you to cool me down. We'll make beautiful ice cubes together. I love you.


I think that's all for now. The letter to my Air Conditioner got me a little hot & bothered. I'm sleepy. I hate my job. It makes me sleepy. More later..

Shit that pisses me off.

I've been in a bad mood recently. Well not really bad, more like a "blah" mood. I've been kinda irritable and every little thing has been pissing me off. I think when that happens, it's a sign I need to take my fat ass out of work and lay on my couch for a few days eating pancake batter out of a pressurized can. When you start to daydream about getting into a car accident or contracting some sort of flu with wings, it's time for a vacation. Unfortunately, I don't have one until the first week of August..............!!!!!!!!!!!)($#)$&#&*#$&Q So my hatred for all man and womankind has sparked a list. A detailed, poorly thought out list of shit that pisses me the fuck off - WITH PICS! YAYAYAYAY!!!


1. Midgets

I know. It's not their fault that they're small and oddly shaped and probably smell like a Chinese food combination dinner platter gone bad... But.. I hate them. I don't know exactly why. I'm not afraid I'm going to become one. From what I can tell by my family, this brand of hatred has been passed down through generations. Aunt's, uncle's, mother's and father's all hate this breed of human and if it's based on looks alone, I can see why. They need their own island where things are made smaller and more fitting. They don't belong in real people world. Fuckin midge's.

2. Complainers

Everyone complains. I'm complaining like a little bitch right now. What I can't stand is, when people constantly complain about the same issues over and over and over again and do absolutely not one thing to fix them. If your moms a bitch and you're of legal age and you can't stand her shit anymore - Leave. Simple as that. Do something about it. Sitting on your ass with your thumb up it hoping you'll wake up one day and be living somewhere else ain't gonna fuckin happen. So man up and fix your own damn problems.

3. Fake Voice
This is one of my favorites. I cannot stand people who are fake nice. You know how it is. You see someone you haven't seen in a while so they have that fake ass smile plastered on their face and their voice goes up all high so that only dogs can hear it. They almost always say this: "OMG HIIIIIIIII!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE. OMG HOW ARE YOOOUUU??!" And you want to do nothing more than pick up the nearest utensil and jam it into their eye socket. I hate fake bitches. I'm not fake. If I don't like you, you know it. I can be cordial but I won't kiss your ass. Ever.

4. People that talk over you/try to top you
I worked with this girl last year that was one of these people. If you have a story about something, she has one that's 9 thousand times better and louder than yours will ever be. Funny story about something that happened over the weekend? Bet your ass I do. However, this bitches was so much better than mine, the guys that made The Hangover should be banging down her door for her story so they have a plot for their next explosive diarrhea movie. I hate this girl with a burning fiery passion.


5. Feminine Product Commercials

Okay. I have girl parts. I have had girl parts since I was spawned. I know what happens to my girl parts. Why do I need 50 million commercials bombarding me every day to buy feminine wash, tampons, maxi pads, herpes meds etc??? I know what goes on down there. It's gross. Things literally breed in there and cause discomfort for some women. So why can't we do what we do for everything else? ASK YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR. Why are these commercials so commonplace now? Why does the world need to know about my hootie hoo and which cycle it's in? I also can't stand when other chicks feel the need to let me know they're periodical. We all get it. Every single last one of us whether we want to or not. I don't need to know that "Oh I'm just having this box of chocolates because I have my period, not because I'm a giant fat ass."


6. LOL!!!!!!!!!!


We, as a species, have gone LOL crazy. It's at the end of EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE EVER CREATED IN THE LAST 5 YEARS, LOL! I'm so tired of seeing it. I can go on Facebook and see the most mundane task written in someones status and all they do is add LOL on the end like it's the funniest thing that ever happened. "Took the dishes out of the dishwasher & one fell LOL!!!!" NO THAT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. You did not Laugh Out Loud when a dish fell and you most certainly did NOT laugh your fucking ass off when it happened. Life is not this hilarious, people. So just stop it. This should only be in response to someone if they say something funny. Not to your own damn sentence that you and ONLY you thought was the funniest fucking thing ever. Ya know what's funny? Me using my chubby doughy fists to punch your face in. That's fucking funny. LOL.


7. Punctuality.


Am I the only person on the planet that can be on time for shit? Do I just really have no life that I can leave whenever the fuck I want and be there on time? I'm starting to think it's a special power. This one really gets to me.  I am NEVER late. I'm usually a few minutes early or right on time. Every time someone is late I want to kick a baby. Every time someone is late somewhere I want to burn down a small village. This is how much it angers me. Just simply because there's no reason for it and it's inconsiderate. You being late says to me "hey! I don't give a crap about you and your time means nothing to me!! I was late because of mememememe!" There are times when people just can't avoid it. But when it's a constant thing, I want to push old ladies in front of trains. LOL!


8. Humans.


I hate people. As a whole. Individually we're not so bad. Some of us, anyway. But human beings in a large group as a whole are probably the most stupid creatures on the planet. I hate being in big groups of us. I abhor it. Do I really need to go into detail? The last 7 had a lot to do with people as a whole making terrible decisions. Especially midgets.


9. Bad Parenting.

This is by far my pettiest of all the peeves. It is also the most controversial. I'm not married. I don't have kids. And for that matter, I don't generally like children. And good God in Heaven, do not get me started on dirty kid hands. However, people may say I have no authority to speak on this subject because I'm not a parent. Well to them I say, read #8 and go on ahead and gently fuck yourself with a hot fire poker. I'm an adult with an opinion and I'm going to share it, sucka. If I'm in the supermarket and your bratty kid is screaming cause he wants oreos and you aren't delivering.. Do what my mother would have done if I threw a tantrum in public: Pick up child. Leave store. Beat child in car. You're a bad parent. Your kids aren't afraid of you. That's why they throw tantrums and annoy the fuck out of people as awesome as me. Because YOU let them! Your babies should not be at the midnight showing on a Friday night of Nightmare on Elm Street. Here's a novel idea; GET A FUCKING BABYSITTER. I hate parents. They think they're Gods gift on earth because they had unprotected sex and brought another life into this world that's already filled to the brim with screaming, drooling, gross people. Ugh. Hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


This is where I'm leaving off. I've gotten myself so worked up in anger that I want to go lay down and take a nap under an 18 wheeler. I hope you enjoyed my list and please feel free to tell me The shit that pisses you off!

All the single ladies..

I'm bitter. I've just hit my 30s and sometimes, I get angry. On one hand, I want to be married or at least seriously seeing someone. I get jealous at times of my friends who are married, are on their way to marriage or are in good long relationships: I get a little angry. And perhaps a bit bitter. Mind you, I don't really have any urge to get married. And I CERTAINLY under no circumstances want children. Only a handful of my friends are married with kids or in relationships. So I guess it's comforting knowing I'm not alone. However... Just because I was born with and still carry a vagina on a daily basis, does NOT mean I want to go to your showers.

I absolutely cannot stand the idea of a bridal and baby shower. As a single lady on a single lady budget.. We really do get the shitty end of the stick in this regard. Now. I'm invited and I love you so I have to go. I have to get you a gift that you so lovingly already picked out for me and put on this neat little registry. Then I get to sit there with your Great Grandma and Great Aunt soandso and shoot the shit and waste a perfectly good Saturday or Sunday afternoon that I usually reserve for napping or doing whatever the fuck I want because I'm single and got it like that. Then to add insult to injury.. giving you ONE gift isn't enough. Ohhh Noooo. Then you want money at your actual wedding that I've probably already spent $200 on with Bridal Shower Gift and then my new dress and shoes. Now I begin to hate you. Because on top of all of that, I have to hand over an envelope of my hard earned money because YOU decided to have this giant ass party to celebrate all of your lovings THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN AFFORD!! Why do I need to help you pay for something that was all your idea and I didn't agree to? Good god.

As if that wasn't bad enough, you then decide you're going to have a baby. Well here comes another gift giving party. I don't like kids. At all. Now you've subjected me to one "party" (which it isn't really even a party. It's like tea and fuckin crumpets. Where's the OPEN BAR? Maybe this single bitch likes a nice social afternoon drunk. So inconsiderate!) where I have to have tea and eat salads and pretend like this is the most fun I've had all month. Which it isn't, cause I have more fun scraping the dead callused skin off the bottom of my feet BECAUSE THAT DON'T COST A DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME. So aside from that, I need to come and give you ANOTHER gift because you done got yourself knocked up and I should be happy that you're bringing another human into this already way too close for comfort clusterfuck of a world?

This shit adds up. Especially when you have lots of friends around the same age as you. They all want to get married and knocked up and you know what that means for me? Money out my damn pockets. Over and over and over again. And if I never have kids or get married then I am never reimbursed! It really isn't fair. What do guys have to do? Wear the same damn suit that they've warn to like 30 other weddings. Go to a titty bar the night before and drop some cash on the groom. I don't hear dudes complaining about all of this and what they had to go buy for Jim for his big day and blah blah blah.

Sometimes carrying around this vagina is more complicated and expensive than it should be. I know some other girls out there are feeling the same. Birthdays, weddings, showers, anniversaries, father's day, mother's day.... Life is too expensive. I guess my only other option is to defriend everyone and go live in the woods somewhere. I'd look hot with a beard.

Thank YOU for being a friend.

I watch Golden Girls. A lot. Like it's almost committable. I lay on my awesomely awesome L shaped sectional couch (in the corner of course, near the window so I can look at my neighbors), and just envision an older version of me eating one of a million cheesecakes with the now deceased Blanche & Sophia and lone survivor Rose, knowing deep down that I'd be Dorothy. We share a lot of the same characteristics. We're HILARIOUS and devilishly sarcastic, we do not do well in the men department, our mothers are insane and hilarious, we love cheesecake.. etc. The list could go on. Her and Sophia were always my favorite characters. Their relationship reminded me a lot of my mother and I. We could sting with our one liners, laugh at our sarcasm and then just love that we're in each others lives. Not very often for the latter, since we're good at hiding those kinds of emotions.

Now that I've cleared up which Girl of the Gold I would be, I wonder who would be my Blanche and Rose? I don't have any stupid friends, that's for sure. And they're all pretty fantastic in their own right. I used to know some sluts but I don't really like the slutty girls. They make me feel bad about myself cause I'm not gettin' any so I tend to not to allow such atrocities in my life. But who knows? When you're in your late 50's/early 60's and husbands pass away or divorce happens, anyone has the chance to be a slut. So maybe the part of Blanche could potentially be portrayed by anyone I know? I am starting to wonder now. That just leaves us with Rose. The loveable dimwit. I don't think any of my friends would jump at the chance to be Rose and I wouldn't feel comfortable casting someone as her. I guess I will just have to see when I get there.

I love my friends. They are the greatest support system I could ever have asked for. From a standing dinner date every week, to a weekend visit filled with laughter and some surprise visits in between, I couldn't have asked for a better group of friends. I love you all and I hope each and every one of you becomes my Rose or Blanche.

Fuck, I'm mushy today.

Moms.

I was on the phone with my mother this morning and she said something that immediately made me want to hang up the phone and cool off before saying something to piss her off. She does this often. There haven't been many conversations where I hang up and say "Gee I'm sure glad I called her!" Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly. And I think after my father passed away, we became extremely close. Out of the 4 children she and he had together, I was really the only one who stayed with her. I slept at her house for 2 weeks while having a perfectly good bed in my own apartment. I was her shopping partner. Dinner partner. Movie partner. I was too scared to leave her alone, so now we're extremely close. And I'm wondering - is it too close?


Anyway, I didn't want to make this a post just about my mom. I wanted to know - Do all Moms of the world know the exact buttons to push and if so, are these buttons pushed on purpose? Or are there better intentions behind their big red button pushin' cake bakin' fingers? If your mom is like mine, then I would say it's about 50/50. Sometimes it seems like she's just looking to get a rise out of me for her own personal enjoyment. Other times, I would say she is genuinely just trying to give me advice. For some reason, I can't take her advice. Is it a problem with me? Why does she make me feel like I'm still a teenager yelling in my Marilyn Manson clad bedroom with the cd players volume up way too high? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? And then, when my anger has pushed me over the edge and I get snippy.. well.. Here comes the guilt.


Ah, the guilt. My mom can spread the guilt on thicker than cream cheese frosting (I told you, I really, really love food). Most of the activities I hate doing in my life are done out of guilt. Miss a nephew's baseball game? Guilt. Say no to a family member? Guilt. Yell at someone extremely deserving of being yelled at? Guilt. I don't think guilt is necessarily a bad thing - How else would I get anyone to do anything for me? (haha! I'm learning!) However, when it is now almost a reaction to everything you do.. That's where it becomes no good. I could have a toe falling off, lose my hair and break an arm but I would STILL have to go to a birthday party/wedding/shower/sometypeofeventiwouldratherchokearatthangoto/etc because I feel so DAMN GUILTY FOR SAYING NO. And this is how it starts.


Me: Hey just calling to say hi.
Her: How are you?
Me: I'm good, how are things?
Her: They're good.
Me: Oh that's great.
Her: Cousin soandso twice removed from the family then married back in's Uncle's granddaughter is having a birthday party for her dog, are you going?
Me: I wasn't planning on it.
Her: Oh. Well I assumed you were because she helped you with your homework/went to a movie with you/told you about a movie that one time. So I thought you would want to return the niceness and go to her party. She always does such nice things for you. (See how one nice thing turns into several nice things over a period of time?)
Me: Looks like I'm going.


And that's it. Roped in. So, basically, I'm just wondering if anyone else has the same issues with their moms?

S(h)itcoms

I've had bad things happen in my life and I've had good things. So have we all. Life is made up of the serious, silly, outrageous and sometimes the downright heart wrenching. I lost my father almost 6 years ago. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone. Except maybe Angelina Jolie cause I'm tired of looking at her Skelator like face. (JK Jolie - don't adopt my future offspring) Like I said in my earlier post - I hate my job. When you hate your job you look for things to make you less miserable. I have awesome friends and family. I try to surround myself with people who make me smile and laugh. I like to smile and laugh even though I'm a bitter old bitch.


Now that I've said all of that, let me turn my attention to tonight's theme. Sitcoms. When I come home from work I like to watch a little something funny. Whether it be Family Guy or Parks & Rec or 30 Rock... I could go on.. I love those shows. Its not often I find a show that will make me literally Laugh Out Loud. Bombdiggs doesn't even begin to describe Jack Donaghy or Ron Swanson. But I digress.... this leads me to the shitcoms.


Listen here comedy writers. I like my shows funny and even "edgy". I like when people my age have outlandish things happen. Like NPH playing a womanizer. What I don't like is when you people have nothing new to write so you throw some real life drama in there. Really? A father dying and you get all serious on me. I don't want to watch that shit. If I did, I would be watching all of the terrible dramas out there. Why couldn't you do parental death like Patsy & Edina? Getting hammered and ultimately falling into her fathers grave. HILARIOUS!!! In the immortal words of Heath Ledger and more sadly Pink, Why so serious??? I watch your shit to get my mind off of all the bad stuff in my life - not for you to remind me and rub it in. I guess its good for "homemakers" in middle America for them to say - OMG I CAN RELATE TOO HA!!!  WHO CARES!??!?! Everyone can relate. I don't understand how any show that doesn't have Alec Baldwin even survives anymore. Know who I relate to? I relate to Liz Lemon. We're socially awkward and weird sometimes, horrible at love & dating and we both really, really like food. We need more Liz Lemon's on tv. So cut the bullshit and give Kristen Wiig a show already