Ugh

I wish someone understood and actually wanted to speak to me about these thoughts I can't shake. I'm an emotional wreck. Is this normal? Is it normal to have all these emotions 2 weeks before such a major surgery? I keep trying to talk myself out of it. No one wants to talk to me about this anymore. I feel I've become a burden. I'm sorry it's all I talk about but this is a huge life changing event I'm about to go through practically alone. I just need to talk. But no one is ever there to listen.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about all the people alone in this world and wonder how they do it. Sometimes I look at my mother and wonder how she goes on after losing the love of her life. Sometimes I wonder how the elderly woman next door copes with the loss of her dog, her one true companion. Sometimes I wonder how that guy I used to know felt.. Was it just another shot or was it the one he knew would end his life? Sometimes I wonder. I wonder about you & sometimes I wonder about me.

Tar

I'm going on record to say that, in my opinion, not having sugar is harder than quitting smoking. Or the cravings from sugar are intensified from the nicotine withdrawal. Whatever it is, I need a fucking piece of cake.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want a cigarette!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! i want a cigarette!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS FUCKING ALL.

New year new me same BS

I always start a blog and like 10 mins later I don't care about it anymore. BUT THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT, says me every single year and it never fuckin is. Because I'm lazy. So lazy. So so lazy it's painful. But this year is going to be different. My mom is selling my childhood home, I quit smoking and sugar, I'm having gastric bypass surgery hopefully next month and my boss is hopefully retiring in the spring. So maybe this year will be different. I know some aspects will definitely be different but the rest remain to be seen.

Will I chicken out on the surgery? Will my boss decide not to leave last minute? The answer to the first one is no. As scared as I am to have my first (and hopefully only) surgery, I've come this far. As for Melinda actually leaving.. Who the eff knows. But I will be a bloggin... Maybe.